I went to join a gym and said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I
said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'',
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The
ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of
tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
I went to the doctors the other
day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
My mother-in-law fell down
a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back
of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you
drive this thing?''
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I met a lovely Dutch girl wearing inflatable shoes but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''