I was reading an article about how people have got one over on some one else and this came to mind in my case.

I used to arrange social outings for the staff of the company I worked for. I have always been used to making sure everything was put in place before hand to ensure it went smoothly. I took a coach load of staff to visit the Coronation Street set in Manchester many years ago. I counted the adults, children any seniors so I knew what the total would be.

The coach driver and his wife, who was the hostess, had driven us all mad. He was an owner driver so he was responsible for all the cleaning of it. Someone was chewing gum he didn’t want them boarding chewing it. A very reasonable request but “ARE YOU CHEWING GUM, GET RID OF IT BEFORE YOU GET ON” in a very loud manner, set the scene for the rest of the journey.

He was telling everyone to get in to their seats and put their seat belts on. He saw a child who hadn’t buckled up and was still standing. He came and told him to sit down and did the belt up around him. Unfortunately the child had been standing to let people through and his real seat was halfway down the bus next to his mum, so had to be quickly undone and his mum sorted him out in his correct seat.

We were told that we would have a comfort stop halfway as we were not allowed to use the onboard toilet. After getting back on the bus, the same child who had been mistakenly belted in was sick all over his seat.

It wasn’t too warm a day, but the air conditioning was on because that was included in the hire price. People were asking the driver to turn it off, but he wouldn’t as we had paid for it. We realised that he didn’t want the windows to steam up and adults and children drawing faces etc in it. He would have to clean the marks off the windows.

His long suffering wife, the hostess, starting coming round with the hot drinks and we got a lesson on how to drink it through the small hole in the lid so we didn’t burn ourselves.

What is this all leading to? you may ask.

When we arrived at the studios, I got off to go and get the tickets. He insisted on coming with me to the booth as he said he was used to booking in large parties here and he would ensure it went smoothly.

I said to the ticket seller, “”39 adults, 4 seniors, 3 children and free of charge driver and hostess please”. He gave me the total and I handed over the exact amount which I had already calculated.

“Well”, he said to me, “if only every booker was as organised as you, we would run more smoothly, thank you”.

Mr Coach Driver From Hell’s face wasn’t smirking any more!

By the way, the journey home was just as good, but that’s another story!

 

A COUPLE OF JOKES FOR YOU

A man goes to the doctor and says, “ Doctor I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve to promise not to laugh.”

The Doctor replies, “ Of course I won’t laugh that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor, I’ve never laughed at a patient.

Ok then, says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient. “ I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”

 

 

The man looks up to the doctor sadly and says, “ it’s swollen”.

 

 

Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if a finger is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!

 

Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your finger gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you £1,000!

 

Bill: Hey, I got an idea…

 

So they cut of Bob’s finger, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and sure enough, the surgeon sews it back on and later they collect £1,000 from the insurance.

 

A month later…

 

Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if your arm is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!

 

Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your arm gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you £10,000!

 

Bill: Hey, I got an idea…

 

So they cut of Bob’s arm, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and sure enough, the surgeons sew it back on and later they collect £10,000 from the insurance.

 

A month later…

 

Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if your HEAD is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!

 

Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your head gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you £1,000,000!

 

Bill: Hey, I got an idea…

 

So they cut of Bob’s head, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and … after a long delay, the head surgeon comes out and tell Bill that he’s sorry, but Bob is dead.

 

Bill: What!? Why?! Two months ago you connected his finger back and it was like new, a month ago you connected his arm and it was fine - what went wrong?!

 

Doctor: When you put his head in a plastic bag, he suffocated.

 

WHEN YOU WALK IN THE ROOM

I was researching some songs for our Sunday show and came across this version of  When You Walk In The Room sung by Agnetha Falltskog  (ABBA) which had then been remixed.

WARNING FLASHING LIGHTS