CHRISTMAS BABYSIT

I had my little baby girl for a sleepover just before  Christmas as her mum was at work that day. I also had to take my stepfather for a hospital check, using his car, and spent ages trying to  work out how to pull the  front seat forward to put her car seat in the back.  I fixed it in to the front seat, so as not to waste any more time and be late his appointment,  and decided to ask him how the seat moved when I got to his house.

He said he had never had to pull it forward and he couldn’t work out how to do it either, there was no sign of a lever.

He then walked to the side of the car and said “you’ll have to put it in this way” and opened the back door.  The penny dropped – my car has 2 doors and his is a 4 door car!

I had little baby boy and girl on Christmas Night and Boxing Day.  He decided to put on a show with his little sister by putting their 2 car seats on the settee, covering them with a throw and doing a kind of Christmas style Punch and Judy.  They practised on us and at one stage, little baby girl stood up and then slipped back down again behind the “stage”, she then reappeared heaving herself back by her elbows with her party hat crookedly resting on her head as if nothing had happened.   

When their mother came, they were ready for the real show and we all settled down to watch it.  It comprised little baby boy whispering (quite loudly), instructions to his sister for her to follow, whilst they were hidden by the chairs and throw.  This worked quite well for a couple of minutes.  All of a sudden, the two car seats and throw tumbled forward, off the settee, leaving two little people sitting there hugging their knees.   We clapped and said that was a brilliant finish to their play.

Little baby boy was furious and said that his sister had ruined the play and there was lots more to come.  It turned out she had kicked the chairs which made them fall off.

Unfortunately, no matter how much we told him how good the play was and the brilliance of the ending, he couldn’t be pacified.  Well there is always this year!

  

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RIOT QUAD SQUAD/SECRET SANTA CHAOS

RIOT QUAD SQUAD

I thought I might like to apply for a job with the police Riot Quad Squad! 

SECRET SANTA CHAOS

 

My big baby girl works for an accountancy firm.  They went out for their annual Christmas Dinner where they exchanged secret santa presents.  Her boss, normally reserved and quite staid, received a stress toy in the shape of a pink willy, presumably to see how he would react.  Well he was quite pleased with it and put in on display on the table.  In fact he was so pleased with it, that after quite a few drinks when they went on to a local night club, he duly put it down the front of his trousers and and peeped it out thorugh his fly zip.  He then went up to the scantily clad girl serving shots and showed it to her. 

He was immediately grabbed by two bouncers who each held one of his arms, and marched him through the night club, with it still protruding, oblivous to his claims that it wasn’t real.  

That was the last they saw of him.  He was much more quieter than normal on the Monday morning funnily enough.

 

 

MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY

I have been incredibly busy over the last month or so with a lot of things happening.  Unfortunately I haven't had time to do anything with my autobiography.  I shall start it again in earnest in the New Year. 

THE MIMIC MEN

I have just come back from the North East where I went to see the Mimic Men in Alnwick.  They were excellent.   

 

EMERGENCY STOP

My step-father has done extremely well after his total knee replacement.  The physiotherapist told he could now start to drive again if he was OK with an emergency stop.

I went with him as he drove along the road from his house and along the army road which only has the occasional car.  I told him I would shout STOP when he wasn't expecting it. I obviously checked for any other traffic.  Just as we turned on to another part of the road, I yelled STOP.  He didn't.  I asked him if he heard me and he said he did but there were holes in the road further along.

As we approached the empty roundabout I decided to do it as we went round it as this is where it could really happen.  I yelled STOP again.  He didn't.  "You don't do emergency stops on roundabouts, they wouldn't do that in a driving test!" he said.  I was crying with laughter by now.

Third time lucky though, he sailed through it and is over the moon that he has his independence back. 

NEW ADDITION

NEW ADDITION

Had a lovely weekend with the Deniwats and the Renniewats meeting my special little great niece.  She is like a little doll.   

MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY

I have been incredibly busy over the last month or so with a lot of things happening.  Unfortunately I haven't had time to do anything with my autobiography.  I shall start it again in earnest in the New Year. 

EMERGENCY STOP

My step-father has done extremely well after his total knee replacement.  The physiotherapist told he could now start to drive again if he was OK with an emergency stop.

I went with him as he drove along the road from his house and along the army road which only has the occasional car.  I told him I would shout STOP when he wasn't expecting it. I obviously checked for any other traffic.  Just as we turned on to another part of the road, I yelled STOP.  He didn't.  I asked him if he heard me and he said he did but there were holes in the road further along.

As we approached the empty roundabout I decided to do it as we went round it as this is where it could really happen.  I yelled STOP again.  He didn't.  "You don't do emergency stops on roundabouts, they wouldn't do that in a driving test!" he said.  I was crying with laughter by now.

Third time lucky though, he sailed through it and is over the moon that he has his independence back. 

HALLOWEEN

HALLOWEEN

Had another day with the little babies making skeleton and pumpkin cakes, brain jelly and snake bread.  Little baby boy says he loves Halloween more than Christmas!! 

 

NEW ARRIVAL

NEW ARRIVAL

We welcomed our little RennieWat baby girl to our family.  A very special little Great Niece to me.

KNEE OP

This went extremely well and my stepfather is home and doing everything he had been told. Of course, when I was settling him to his room and the nurse came to see him, I nearly had my right knee marked up for the op instead of him. Again, any of you who know me, will know why!

KNEE OP/CHARITY SHOP/WEEKEND BREAK

KNEE OP

I took my step father for his pre-assessment before he has his new knee.  The nurse told him he would not be able to drive for at least 6 weeks after and he would use a walking frame, then be on crutches.  It would probably be another 6 weeks after that before he would be back to walking without an aid.

The nurse asked him if he had any questons. He look rather stunned. He told her that he had been told by "Sniffy John" at his local pub, on good authority that he would be up and about walking normally the next day after the operation.  

Well as they say, don't take any notice of what a man in a pub tells you!

CHARITY SHOP

I was looking around a lovely little village on Tuesday and saw a wooden pig and wooden tortoise in a charity shop window.  I went in and picked up the pig and asked the assistant to get me the tortoise right at the front.  She looked at me in a state of panic. "You want the pig and the tortoise", she asked.  Thinking that they were already sold or display only items, I said "yes, are they not for sale"?  She calmed down a bit and pointed to her colleague outside the window trying to take a photo.  "We have made a lovely display and wanted to get a picture of it.  Someone has already bought the masks that we had just displayed" she replied.  I actually found it quite amusing, as did the other assistant who had witnessed it all.

It reminded me of the time I walked in to an empty Brewers Fare when it was just opening and asked for a table.  Have you booked? I was asked.  I said I hadn't.  Sorry we are full", he replied.  

 

WEEKEND BREAK

Just come back from a weekend break in a chalet near Yarmouth. Had a good rest.  As the lovely chalet was pet friendly, we decided to take Rio.  Now, over the years, I have wondered why so many people are walking their dogs through the seaside towns and never understood why they would want to take them shopping with them - that is until last weekend!  I walked him down to the beach etc noticing that dogs were welcome in shops and pubs, and later in the afternoon, we took him there again.  

We decided to go to the club house later in the evening (no dogs allowed), settled him down and put the TV on for company.  On arriving back at the chalet just after 11.30 pm, I could hear him barking.  The next day I asked the neighbour if he had been barking long.  She told me he had barked all night but only really heard him when they turned the TV off.

The next day after his walk we had to take him with us so he wouldn't bark.  We couldn't leave him in the car as he sets the alarm off and if it had been a hot day, we wouldn't have dreamed of doing that anyway.  So turns had to be taken waiting outside the shop with him.

We noticed that a large husky type dog had been for a walk and was left in the chalet for 5 minutes while its owner popped to the shop.  It howled like a wolf until he came back.

Now I know why dogs go everywhere with their owners on holiday. 

Has that changed my understanding of them?  Slightly.

Will he be coming again?  No way!

He is more than happy to stay at the dogsitter's house with her dogs and play.  So that's him booked up in advance!    

LITTLE BABY BOY/JOHN BISHOP/MRS BROWN/MIMIC MEN

LITTLE BABY BOY 

My what a handsome little chappie he is!

JOHN BISHOP 

Well that's my social evenings sorted out.  Got my tickets for the above shows.  When I met John Bishop in Cork after a show, I told him that we don't get a chance to get good tickets or seats for his shows as they are bought up in bulk and resold.  I had got the tickets for Cork because he tweeted it and as soon as I read the tweet, I booked them.  He thanked me for telling him.

Well I like to think he listened to what I told him because, he announced his new tour first on Twitter where we could register for the ticket website.  When the presale opened, it was for the fans.  The next one will be for another presale and the last one after that is opened to the general public.  Because of this, I was able to book as soon as the fan sale opened and get a brilliant seat.

It is a pity that other perfomers do not use this method, perhaps they will now. 

 

PAINTING THE STAIRS/SELFIES/JACUZZIS

PAINTING THE STAIRS

If you are painting the stairs for any reason, it is advisable to check that your dog is not hiding up there!

SELFIES

I still haven't got the hang of this yet!

JACUZZIS

I have noticed that some people have jacuzzis in their gardens as it is obviously getting very popular and social.  The only thing I can't get my head round is the fact that when friends visit us at home, we don't usually pull all the seating round in a circle, strip to our underwear, with our arms draped across the back of the seating, drinking and chatting!   

 

Well, I have put the memorial garden for Toby and Biff back together after little baby boy arranged all the ornaments in other places in the garden.  He is coming in November to stay so no doubt he will rearrange it if it not too cold to go outside.  One example is Miss Summer with pink eyes where he gave her eye shadow!

My gazebo is quite established now and a grapevine I planted last year has just reached its roof.  I have also laid artificial grass which looks quite effective if you don't look too closely at the joins! The plants standing on it are actually hiding bits that are missing!  

I was pleased to find this Kitchen sign in a shop in Rochester.  It is exactly the same colour as my cupboards.  I had gone to took for something else and this was in the window.  I also found the two oil jars in a charity shop. Word of warning, there is always a reason that people don't want things any more.   I filled one up with oil and then the little tap didn't turn off, hence, oil pouring out everywhere.  There are only for show now. 

 

THE SUMMER BABYSIT/MY HAIR

THE SUMMER BABYSIT

Well my two little babies have been for 2 days.  During that time I managed cover little baby boy in tomato sauce when the tomato sauce gun I bought for them wouldn't fire. Unfortunately for him, I had pointed it in his direction!

Also to any potential grannies out there, don't leave your dark brown lipstick within reach and this means even up high, when they have the wherewithal in the room to concoct a make shift ladder!!

They went home last night and are now probably regrouping for the 3 day attack coming up next week!!! 

Well I am in to the penultimate day of the 3 day summer babysit.  So far they have managed to spill of pot of paint (emulsion luckily) which seeped into next door drive and luckily we managed to clear it all up before they got home.

I decided to take them for a trip on a bus when I went to the dentist.  Little baby boy put his Paddington Bear pyjamas on and insisted he wanted to wear them.  I managed to wrestle the top off him but as I had to deadline to meet but I had to take him out with his pyjama trousers on.  As the dentist was running late and I was going to meet my daughter who works next door, I asked her to meet me at the dentist and she came round to take them off me for a while.  Of course then I got told off for taking him out in his pyjamas!  She hurried went in to a charity shop for some shorts.

I took them around the castle gardens and by the time they had finished rolling down the hill, they looked like 2 little street urchins, especially as the baby boy refused to wear his shoes! I finally managed to get them, the pushchair and my shopping with help from concerned bystanders, on to the bus.  As I was struggling to get off, I saw a sign "There is no fuss if you go by bus!"   The driver asked me if I ws going to do it all again tomorrow.  "No way", I said, "I'm strapping them in to their car seats next time!"

I wouldn't swap them for the world though!!   

After finally getting an exhausted little baby girl to sleep, my little baby boy and I sat down to watch a little bit of TV.  There was a loud noise outside the window which sounded like a motor bike.  When it stopped, the driving wearing a skull mask took it off and got out.  I went and asked him if we could photograph the car and he let little baby boy sit in it and put his skeleton mask on.  He told me that he wears this as the car is open and stones etc fly up from the road and this protects his face.

MY HAIR

I invested in a good hairdryer and straightening brush and also started to use silver shampoo and conditioner.  It has certainly made the colour brighter and my hair whiter. 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

When a man upsets his partner, he  may not even know what he has done.  If he does and apologises, he should be very wary if she says “it’s fine”, or even worse, nothing at all. No major row, no cold shoulder, no slamming of doors etc,.  He should be very wary.  This means that the female brain has put the wheels in motion for revenge.  It is in the planning stage and might not be for days, weeks , months, or even years, but believe me it will come and the opportunity could just fall in to her lap.   You will have long forgotten about it, but she will remember every detail.  

You could be a worldly wise, well travelled man, with experience of many women, young and old, and who thinks he has got them sussed,  or a bright young man who is like the cat who got the cream as he has just married his stunning (high maintenance) young wife. WRONG!!  You will both have the same understanding of women, which is diddly squat!

This is a tried and tested tip of mine if you are like me and cannot reverse in a straight line.

If you are driving and there is another car coming your way which is driven by a man and there is not enough room for you to pass each other, if it is his right of way, he will probably expect you to reverse.  Make a meal of this, veering from side to side and driving into the kerb, etc.  After a while he will begin to get fed up because men always have some emergency that they are on the way to.  He will either reverse himself or do the man manoeuvre of driving on the kerb on 2 wheels.

As he passes and probably comments through an open window on your driving, just smile sweetly and say "what do you expect, I am a woman driver!"

As he probably thinks all women are rubbish drivers, there is nothing more he can say.  So it is 1 nil to you!
  

MOBILITY SCOOTERS

MOBILITY SCOOTERS
We may all need to use mobility scooters later on in our lives, so it is best to get used to the rules that the riders adhere to whenever we encounter them on their scooter. It is not their fault that the technology of using them is on a par with the flight deck of the Concorde.
When you are shopping and the user crashes into the display directly in front of them, be helpful and gather up the fallen goods for them and extricate them and their scooter from the pile, but keep your eyes open as they reverse backwards because you could come a cropper when they take a lunge at the well stacked promotion behind you.
Remember they have every right to use the pavement as you have, but also remember their speed limit is set at walking pace, which the mobility scooter user regards as 10 to 20 mph. 
Yes, unfortunately, I will probably be that type of mobility scooter user when my time comes, if my driving is anything to go by!

DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS!

I saw this when I was in Brussels a couple of years ago.  East your heart out Kim Karshadian.

HANSEL AND GRETEL!!

HANSEL AND GRETEL

Well I am well and truly gobsmacked!  Knowing how much my two little babies love Halloween and anything scary about it will not faze them), plus Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids on the TV,   I saw a Hansel and Gretel story book for sale in Aldi.  They will be staying with me soon and I thought it would be fun to tell them the story of how they find this house made of sweets and goodies and  how the witch put Hansel in a cage to feed him  and fatten him up and uses Gretel as a servant and how Hansel pokes chicken bones out of the cage so the witch thinks he is still thin.  However, she decides to eat him anyway and tells Gretel to light the oven.  She fibs and says that she can’t get it to light and when the witch has a look, she pushes her in the oven and burns her up.  They escape and live happily ever after. 

Unfortunately, I seem to have bought the politically correct version.  OK so the stepmother doesn’t want them as there isn’t enough food to go round and they  are all crammed in to a tiny house.  Yes, they get lost in the woods and find the Sweetie House and start to eat it.  So far, so good.  Then it all goes wrong.  The witch is really a nice person who had spent her time baking and making the lovely edible house of her dreams.  Hansel and Gretel feel so bad that they revamp the half eaten house and make it in to a castle.  She is so happy and they all lived happily ever after in the Sweetie Castle!!

How can I scare the living daylights out of my little babies with that load of old claptrap, I can't even use my best wicked witch voice!!

When my little babies come, I spend all the time playing and doing things with them and the house gets wrecked!  After he had finished making a den with the kitchen chairs, quilts and pillows etc in the living room, I had to promise to keep it like that for a couple of days to show his mum and dad when they picked him up.

We decided to bake bread again and he wanted to make his own concoction.  This comprised flour and water and all the gadgets from the kitchen cupboards.  Consequently it looked as if there had been an explosion.     He then went to tell me I always  had a messy house!  His sister was fast asleep and I started to clean the kitchen. He asked me to come and watch him outside.  I told him I couldn't as I was cleaning up.   A little while later,  he asked me again.  I said I was still cleaning up the kitchen.  Finally, on the third time of asking I told him that Grannies who play with their grandchildren always have messy houses, so it was better if I didn't play with him and have a clean house.

"Gran", he said, "I love it when you have a messy house"!