A CHRISTMAS IDEA!

IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THE "F" Word, KEEP THE SOUND TURNED DOWN.

A LOVELY BREAK

 

We went to Durham for a long weekend to see my brother and sister in law. It was extremey busy in the town centre due to the Lumiere light festival that was on. The video is of the 2019 trailer. There wasn’t one in 2020 and it resumed this year.

A NATIVITY SAGA

 

My brother in law Terry was arranging his nativity display in the front window of his barber shop. They had bought a large paper star which is lit from inside by a light bulb from a socket. My niece, tore the star, unfortunately as the light fitting they were trying to use was wrong.

 

Off they went to IKEA where they had bought the star, but they were all gone, but in the bargain basked were ex shop display, fully fitted with the correct lead and bulb. They were better than the original star in fact.

 

Terry’s nativity scene was lovely, solid and well made. He put hessian over ledges and shelves so he could display everything. The stable was in place, so were Mary and Joseph and the shepherd boy and his lamb were over the other side. The camel had a place and so did the ox. He had a bit of a job placing the Wise Men. I was outside the window making signs for up, down, right or left a bit, then giving the thumbs up and stood back. I then noticed that the third Wise Man was missing.

 

Terry found it out the back and then it was a juggling act to find a place for it. He got a small cardboard box and had to put it under the hessian, as he was work from behind the scene, he had to take some of the display, including the stable off again, to feed it through.

 

He tried to put the Wise Man on it but it was heavy and tilted forward, knocking the sheep off the ledge. The camel was moved, the ox was moved as was the Wise Man, Unfortunately, this left no room for the ox, which was sitting down. I was now inside and suggested that the ox poked its head through the back of the stable. It worked but could have easily been knocked off a by a customer.

 

He alternates with a display of 3 carol singers each year. One of them had been knocked off and his head broke in pieces. He glued it together, but the head is lopsided and would probably more in keeping with a Halloween display.

 

I suggested that the 2 standing wise men stood by the cradle, the camel sat on the cardboard box because although it was heavy, its weight was evenly distributed. The ox looked out the window.

The sheep was rescued from its fall and the thumbs up was given. This whole episode had taken quite a while.

 

We came back into the house to get a cup of tea.

 

“Did you put the star up Terry?", asked my sister in law. I think the quotation “give me a broom” was in Terry’s mind. We were both laughing out loud.

 

After his cup of tea he went to put the star up over the scene, hanging from the ceiling where there is a plug socket. Nothing happened. The switch tripped in the fuse box. He put the star up with no light, until he could get his son in law in to see it.

 

Whilst getting everything ready, he showed me a little colour, changing light that he was going to put under the fire in the display. As we went to leave, there it was on the counter. Should I tell him? Nah!

HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE

Bacterian and Dromedary Camel.

 

The bacterian has two humps which  looks like a capital B lying on its back.

The dromedary has one hump which looks like a capital D lying on its back.

 

Indian and African Elephant

Take the "in" from the Indian elephant and make the word "tiny" as its ears are smaller then the African

Male and Females Symbols

Think of a female having her arms crossed and I think the male speaks for itself.

NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!

When my garden lodge was completed, the garden in front of it was bare flat earth.  My son in law laid artificial grass on top of it without a skin, for a stop gap. I started to notice little round earth worm casts all over it, but never thought much about it, only that the worms were very strong to push the soil through the rubber backing.

 

However last night, it was covered in worms coming out of the holes and onto the grass.  You learn something new every day.  You can see how the worms cultivate the soil in the ground.

PET CLASSICS, CLASSIC FM WITH CHARLOTTE HAWKINS  FIREWORK NIGHTS

Listening to this. What a diffence.

A SILVER FOX

We went to see Martin Kemp do his Back To The 80's DJ set at the Indigo Theatre at the O2.  He was brilliant and ladies, he is still devastatingly handsome and has aged well.  My photo doesn't do him  justice, but you can take my word for it.

I'VE GOT TO RING MY MUM!

Now I live in the garden I am on hand all the time for childminding.  As they are growing up fast, it suffices that they can call on me if their parents have to go to work in the holidays, etc.  My little granddaughter came in to me and said she had got to ring her mum at work.   I asked her why as this would only be done in a dire emergency.

"It's the pup, there is something wrong with its poo", she said.   I ventured out fully prepared to encounter some horrific mess.  I knew it couldn't be worms as this dog has all tablets regularly.  I also considered some type of dreadful diahorrea.  Prepared for the worst and I came and had a look.

It looked perfectly normal to me, it was just a round pile instead of the normal bits.

I told her there was nothing wrong, it was fine.

"There is", she said, "it's the wrong shape!"

I chuckled to myself thinking about what her mum might have thought!

Yet again another picture that fits the description my daughter's  family's pampered pooch perfectly!😉

My daughter and her family have just got their first puppy.  This photo says it all and I mean everything.  I couldn't resist it.😂🤣

I was reading an article about how people have got one over on some one else and this came to mind in my case.

I used to arrange social outings for the staff of the company I worked for. I have always been used to making sure everything was put in place before hand to ensure it went smoothly. I took a coach load of staff to visit the Coronation Street set in Manchester many years ago. I counted the adults, children any seniors so I knew what the total would be.

The coach driver and his wife, who was the hostess, had driven us all mad. He was an owner driver so he was responsible for all the cleaning of it. Someone was chewing gum he didn’t want them boarding chewing it. A very reasonable request but “ARE YOU CHEWING GUM, GET RID OF IT BEFORE YOU GET ON” in a very loud manner, set the scene for the rest of the journey.

He was telling everyone to get in to their seats and put their seat belts on. He saw a child who hadn’t buckled up and was still standing. He came and told him to sit down and did the belt up around him. Unfortunately the child had been standing to let people through and his real seat was halfway down the bus next to his mum, so had to be quickly undone and his mum sorted him out in his correct seat.

We were told that we would have a comfort stop halfway as we were not allowed to use the onboard toilet. After getting back on the bus, the same child who had been mistakenly belted in was sick all over his seat.

It wasn’t too warm a day, but the air conditioning was on because that was included in the hire price. People were asking the driver to turn it off, but he wouldn’t as we had paid for it. We realised that he didn’t want the windows to steam up and adults and children drawing faces etc in it. He would have to clean the marks off the windows.

His long suffering wife, the hostess, starting coming round with the hot drinks and we got a lesson on how to drink it through the small hole in the lid so we didn’t burn ourselves.

What is this all leading to? you may ask.

When we arrived at the studios, I got off to go and get the tickets. He insisted on coming with me to the booth as he said he was used to booking in large parties here and he would ensure it went smoothly.

I said to the ticket seller, “”39 adults, 4 seniors, 3 children and free of charge driver and hostess please”. He gave me the total and I handed over the exact amount which I had already calculated.

“Well”, he said to me, “if only every booker was as organised as you, we would run more smoothly, thank you”.

Mr Coach Driver From Hell’s face wasn’t smirking any more!

By the way, the journey home was just as good, but that’s another story!

 

A COUPLE OF JOKES FOR YOU

A man goes to the doctor and says, “ Doctor I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve to promise not to laugh.”

The Doctor replies, “ Of course I won’t laugh that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor, I’ve never laughed at a patient.

Ok then, says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient. “ I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”

 

 

The man looks up to the doctor sadly and says, “ it’s swollen”.

 

 

Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if a finger is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!

 

Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your finger gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you £1,000!

 

Bill: Hey, I got an idea…

 

So they cut of Bob’s finger, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and sure enough, the surgeon sews it back on and later they collect £1,000 from the insurance.

 

A month later…

 

Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if your arm is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!

 

Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your arm gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you £10,000!

 

Bill: Hey, I got an idea…

 

So they cut of Bob’s arm, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and sure enough, the surgeons sew it back on and later they collect £10,000 from the insurance.

 

A month later…

 

Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if your HEAD is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!

 

Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your head gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you £1,000,000!

 

Bill: Hey, I got an idea…

 

So they cut of Bob’s head, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and … after a long delay, the head surgeon comes out and tell Bill that he’s sorry, but Bob is dead.

 

Bill: What!? Why?! Two months ago you connected his finger back and it was like new, a month ago you connected his arm and it was fine - what went wrong?!

 

Doctor: When you put his head in a plastic bag, he suffocated.

 

WHEN YOU WALK IN THE ROOM

I was researching some songs for our Sunday show and came across this version of  When You Walk In The Room sung by Agnetha Falltskog  (ABBA) which had then been remixed.

WARNING FLASHING LIGHTS